Embittered.Torn. & so-so.

(***WARNING*** This content was written to express my feelings and emotions as of late) It may be a little heavy, but I never write in my journal, and I don't really care if others read this or not.


A couple of months ago I got really upset with my doctor. By the way, I have gone in for a bunch of tests...ultrasound, HSG test (which by the way is probably the most uncomfortable painful test I have done), and another blood test to check my hormones. The ultrasound showed that everything was normal, the HSG showed that everything was normal, and the blood test showed that everything was normal.

My doctor told me that there should be no reason for me to not get pregnant on my own, but he gave me some thyroid medication because my hormone level was normal, but on the high side of being normal (if that makes sense). Then he told me that he suggested I get an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) just in case we weren't timing things right. We asked him what would be the percentage of getting pregnant doing this and it was like7%....and it goes up every month you try it...however, it can cost anywhere from $200- $5000 to do it and my health insurance doesn't cover procedures so it would be out of pocket. Since it costs so much and the percentage was pretty low, Kevin and I decided that we would wait to do it. Especially since I got my bills from the hospital back these last couple of months in the mail! It was not easy writing those checks.

Anyhow, Kevin and I explained to the doctor that we could not afford to do this so we would have to think about it...and then he talked to us about trying clomid again while we thought about it. I told him I liked that idea (even though I have been on it before and it made me CRAZY mean and I cried all the time!)

So the next month when I was supposed to get back on clomid, my doctor decided at the last minute that he didn't want to put me on it anymore and that he wanted me to come in and talk to him...(Keep in mind...I don't normally have a car, plus I am charged money every time I go see him, and his office isn't exactly close). I told him I could not go in and talk to him because I didn't have a car. So he talked to me on the phone (which I could tell he wasn't happy about...) about how he thought I should do the IUI. Then I told him that Kevin and I didn't feel like we could do an IUI because we don't have the money to do it since my insurance doesn't pay for procedures. He asked me if I could maybe get a new insurance plan, or wait to get the IUI, blah, blah, blah. Oh yeah...and somewhere in the conversation he mentioned to me some results on a test that conflicted with the results he told me about earlier... Again I told him, we couldn't get a new insurance plan because of our financial situation (plus, many insurance companies don't have great infertility coverage because they don't want to add another person to the plan...they lose more money that way), and we probably wouldn't be able to afford to get an IUI until we are out of school which is about 2 yrs from now.

Then his response was what really surprised me..."Well, then I guess you will have to wait till you are done with school to afford it then." I don't know if its just me...but this kind of made me upset. I felt like he was unwilling to help me figure out what to do next, and the way our conversation went made me feel pressured to spend thousands of dollars. I almost felt used for my money, rather than treated because all the conversation was about was money...and "come in for a visit and pay me money so I can tell you how to spend your money!" Plus, the fact that he had brought up different test results than what I had received from the lab, made me feel like there could have been some skulduggery/dishonesty as well. I think I would have felt better if he had sympathized with our situation a little bit more, but he showed no sympathy.

After the phone conversation, I immediately started sobbing. I felt like there was no hope for us now. And since then, I have talked to a few people about it. Recently, I was given a name of a doctor that is supposed to be the best in the nation. I have been holding on to it for about a month now but am unsure on whether I am ready to call him or not. This last month, I felt like I should just take a break from caring because I was SO busy with the fundraiser and emotionally unstable as it was. In that way, I was kind of glad that I wasn't put on clomid! It could have made last month a nightmare!

However, now I am debating on whether I should just keep it easy and just forget about everything and keep living my life, or if I should call this doctor and make an appointment and see what he has to say...because we've been trying for 2 years...so how could everything be normal? Either way, I know we will have kids of our own someday. I have felt that blessing many times praying. I think the main thing that makes this so hard is the financial side of everything. In a book I bought last year, "conquering infertility", Dr. Alice Domar mentions that the reason infertility is so hard is because there are SO many stressers that go along with it. Financial, emotional, physical, spiritual,etc...and stress is also one of the causes of infertility so it is a never ending cycle. So as you can see...as of lately, we have been torn...and so the praying continues. But mainly, I am just happy to be done with my old doctor.