Make Me Whole

Through out the past nine years, Kevin and I have gone through various trials.  I have been pretty open with our infertility struggles, but we have also been struggling with some other personal trials over the past few years.

The past few years have been hard because there is so much I want to share, but I feel like it is not the right time to be so open with our personal struggles.

As many of you know, music is my language. It is who I am. During this difficult time, I have turned to music to help me express my feelings and feel closer to my Heavenly Father.

A couple of months ago, I was praying on whether to audition for the part of "Martha" in Rob Gardner's "The Lamb of God".

 At this time, my heart and soul was heavy with things Kevin and I were enduring. Kevin and I have talked about this many times, but when you endure hard things for so long...you start to feel numb to feeling anything.

It's kind of hard to explain, but you just don't feel happy and you don't feel sad. You don't feel any emotion. You start to wonder if there is something seriously wrong with you. You feel a little broken.

One day, as I was walking my dog, I was thinking of the words from the song "Make Me Whole". This is a song sung by Martha right after Lazarus has died. Many of you know the story, but I have always tried to picture what it must have been like to be her at this moment.

Her brother just died, which is obviously very hard to deal with. The Savior greets her and she pretty much asks him why he didn't come sooner? 'Why did you let him die? I know you could have saved him.' She shows hope in the atonement saying that she knows that her brother will rise again at the last day, but this doesn't take away the pain she is feeling.

In the song, she sings

"Touch my eyes and bid them see that my gaze might pierce the veil,
and behold the wondrous scene that, in dreams, I've long beheld.
Oh touch my heart and bid it know that every sorrow here is but a moments tear,
and thou wilt make me whole again."

I started to think about all the times I have prayed and asked God to help me know what His plan for me was. I've asked Him so many times to help me know why I am going through these adversities...hoping that if I knew His grand plan for me, I could get through these trials faster and learn my lessons. There have been countless prayers to God asking for my sorrows to be a small moment.

"Touch my ears and bid them hear all the glory of thy truth,
That my hope might come of faith and no more require proof.
Oh, touch my heart and bid it know that, while in darkness here, the light is ever near,
and thou wilt make me whole again."

I can't tell you how many times I have asked Heavenly Father to bless me to hear the things I needed to hear from speakers at church or through General Conference. Through my trials, I've always felt like I've had hope that things can be better, but I feel like I am constantly asking for more faith. There have been so many times, that I have wondered if I am doing things on my own. I feel like I am constantly asking Him to prove that He is there. Sometimes it feels like I am in a consistent battle with myself to look for the good around me. Enduring can be completely exhausting at times. There are times I just vent to Heavenly Father and tell him how tired I am. Thankfully, every time I do, he gives me more strength to keep going. I love that even though I feel darkness (depression), that when I plead for His help, I can have His light in my life and I see His hand bless me.

The last verse says...

"Then touch my lips and bid them sing
songs of everlasting praise, that my soul might then believe
and give thanks through all my days!
Oh touch my heart and bid it know that every breath I take is by thy tender grace,
and thou wilt make me whole again."


While I was thinking of all these lyrics, one last thought came to me. I love that Martha asks Christ to make her whole over and over in this song. As I mentioned before, sometimes I feel like a completely broken person. I feel like a piece of me is missing. As I was thinking of this song, it came to me that throughout the scriptures Christ healed the sick, the afflicted and cast devils out of people. He can surely make me whole again. He has healed me before. He has helped me see, helped me hear and helped me testify.

Because I have seen so many blessings over the past years I want to share my testimony that I know that Heavenly Father is there for YOU! I am a very imperfect person. It amazes me that even through my imperfections, that He continues to bless me with the things I need to get through the hardest times. He truly has succored me in so many ways. I WISH I could name all of my blessings specifically. I know through Christ, I can be made whole and so can you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azfG6WCJzrY