I'm having a hard time...

I don't write here very much, but I just felt like I really needed to express myself in writing today.

The last month has been very hard for me.

I walk our dog every day, and try to take him on hour long, 3 mile walks if it's not too hot. About 4 weeks ago, after walking Rocky and teaching a bunch of lessons, I started having pain in my left foot and ankle. It was the kind of pain you get when your feet are tired and you want a foot rub. So, I got a tennis ball and started massaging my arches with it and my foot got tighter and tighter and things gradually got so painful, that it hurt to put any pressure on it. I took a warm bath, and that didn't help either. So I went to bed crying in pain.

The pain continued for a week. I could not walk very well, and after a few days I started wondering if it was due to the way I sit on my foot. It kind of felt like things were out of place and I thought maybe my muscles were spasming out because of misalignment. So, I set up an appointment with a chiropractor.

I should also mention, that I also started to notice that I couldn't point my toes normally, or bring my toes towards me very easily.

I brought this up to the chiropractor and he attempted to try to align my ankle. After he played around with it, he told me that I needed to walk on it the next day and things should settle down. I left his office in more pain and cried on the way home, hoping I didn't make a mistake. However, the next morning my foot and ankle felt amazing, so I did what he told me to do and went on a small walk.

It was so happy! I went back to him a couple days later to make sure that we kept my ankle and foot aligned and things continued to be great.

Almost a week later, I started getting the cramping in my feet again, and I also got a horrible charlie horse in my other leg. The pain in my foot came back and I couldn't walk. I felt like it felt a little different and that this time it might just be because I wasn't drinking enough and I was outside a lot in the hot sun when I would walk Rocky, but I was worried because it had now been almost three weeks of this happening off and on.

I scheduled an appointment with a podiatrist because I was sick of not being able to walk my dog and I wanted to know what was wrong and I wasn't sure the chiropractor was going to be able to fix it this time. The podiatrist didn't seem to know exactly what was going on either. And frustratingly, the day I had the appointment scheduled, my foot randomly stopped hurting.

She told me to drink Gatorade and to make sure I was taking my vitamins. I felt so stupid for even going in at that point.

I attempted to drink more that week, but after a walk with Rocky, the pain started getting worse. As the days went by, it got worse and worse until I couldn't walk again. The pain was excruciating. I felt like every time I stepped down a muscle was being pulling in my ankle. I couldn't even walk in my apartment. I quickly made another appointment with the podiatrist because I really wanted to get to the bottom of this. At this point it had been 3 weeks of this recurring issue, and I was sick of not knowing if I would be able to walk my dog or not. I wanted to make sure I got in while I was in excruciating pain this time, so that she could help me.

When the podiatrist asked me what was going on, I told her everything I was feeling and started crying because I was so frustrated. I felt like such a baby, but I just didn't know what was going on and why this was happening.

She touched my foot in different places, and asked if it hurt. It didn't. I explained that the only time it hurt was when I was putting weight on my foot and made the motion of walking. That's when I felt like a muscle was being stretched like a rubber band and it hurt.

She told me she didn't think it was broken, but she wanted me to immobilize my foot for 3 weeks. She thought that it could be tendinitis.

She gave me an ankle brace. When I left, I was heart broken and I was frustrated because the next week, Kevin and I were supposed to have a fun week in the mountains. I had been waiting all summer to go hiking and camping and spend time with Kevin and Rocky. Hiking was out of the picture, and if I couldn't hike or hardly walk...Camping seemed unreasonable too.

Kevin and I changed our plans, but the last two weeks have been SO HARD for me.

I hate that I can't walk my dog. I know it sounds stupid, but that time was precious to me. It was basically my break from doing chores and teaching. It was time I felt like I could enjoy the outdoors. I got great satisfaction out of watching my dog explore, sniff around and watching him pant to the point that it looks like he's smiling.

After I was told to immobilize my ankle, I had to take him to dog parks every day and he didn't seem to like it much. He would just stand around and stare at me. He didn't get much exercise and the whole week he seemed depressed to not be getting his walks.

I also realized from this experience that I have some emotional scars from my past. I felt like a baby. I felt like other people were judging me. I kept having thoughts go around in my head that I should just suck it up and walk through it and it would eventually heal....but after thinking about this, I would remind myself that it had already been three weeks of this and I did walk through it and it hadn't really healed. In fact, every time the pain came back, it got progressively worse.

The next week, Kevin and I tried to have fun despite not being able to camp or hike. We went out to eat a lot, we went to a shooting range, we went to the movies, and had a day at the pool. It was great to have Kevin home too because he could walk the dog for me.

It has now been two weeks, and so far I am not in pain, but I also haven't really been walking so it will be hard to know if things are really better until I can walk.

One thing that has been scaring me a bit though is that I can't seem to point my toes with out my whole foot shaking. I have never had an injury like this, and it has been really hard to feel like I can't do anything. I feel like my whole life has been flipped upside down, because I feel like I can't clean my apartment and all my chores take twice as much time. My sister gave me crutches because I was really struggling last week with trying to get around my apartment and rest my ankle at the same time.

I feel like healing has sped up a bit since I have had the crutches, but chores are still hard. I am realizing how hard it is to do anything...like carry a glass of water to another room when your hands are already full. I hate not being able to be independent. I hate that "I can't" do things. I am so used to telling myself, "I can". I hate having to ask Kevin to do things for me. I feel needy. I hate having to explain to people what is wrong, because I feel like a baby.

Honestly, this has been a real trial for me. It has been just as hard as the trials I have had from infertility and other personal things, and that makes me feel weak too, because I know others who have it WAY worse than me. It has made me realize that I truly should not judge people bases on their trials, because not being able to move around could be a minor set back to one person, but it could be really hard for someone else.

Anyway....that is what is going on with me. I feel better getting this out. Please pray this heals properly. I am scared that after it heals, something will happen again and I will have to do this deal with this again. I am feeling a little better, but I don't feel completely healed and that scares me. I keep picturing myself immobilized for 6 months and having to do physical therapy and I can't afford that right now. I just really want to be able to live normally again. I want to feel like I can do things. I am also nervous because the podiatrist seemed to question herself when she said she thought I had tendinitis. It's scary to not know how this all started and if it will happen again.